Melissa and I started doing the new workout craze INSANITY. And the name definitely fits the description of the workout. 

It's day DAY 7 and I have only done 2 days worth of it... It is difficult! I was doing the Cardio Blast video - where the ridiculous moves keep your heart rate near close to heart attack status - and I was ready to give up after the intense WARM UP... yes... INTENSE WARM UP. Within the first ten minutes of the video, I was sweating, my heart was ready to jump out of my chest and my muscles were sore. Now, as an ex-basketball player, I have always prided myself in my amazing will power and perseverance to push to the end. However, this was one race I felt like I just couldn't finish - which got me thinking... if maintaining my "bangin' body" is already so physically exhausting, how much harder is this spiritual race towards the cross that I am running? Following this narrow path of the cross is not easy - IT'S HARD TO FOLLOW JESUS!

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. HEBREWS 12:1-2

After the SVCA retreat this past Labor Day weekend, I felt really refreshed and rejuvenated by the Holy Spirit. Before that, I was really apathetic about my faith, not caring whether or not I was growing. In my mind, I had justified that my relationship with God was great because of I was a leader at Kairos and I served in His house every Sunday. I equated my involvement in church to my relationship with God. Since coming back, I've been on a steady diet of God's Word every morning - training my mind and body for this life race. It really has made all the difference. Even my response to certain things has been different. I've been filled with so much joy! I hope that it doesn't stop here but that it keeps going.

One of the craziest things that happened these last couple of weeks is moving up to norcal. For a long time, I was really unsure of where God wanted to take me in this upcoming year, whether or not I was meant to stay in SD or if I was meant to be here in Norcal. Leading up to my big move, God was confirming a lot of things in my life to move up here. I spent the month of August living with my parents and it definitely had its ups and downs. God has brought me a long way from the girl I was in high school. I have learned to love my family and appreciate every single member. God increased my capacity to love as well as my patience towards my parents. This made leaving so much harder but I left on GREAT terms with my parents. I never thought that I could miss them this much. I also knew that I had to be an independent woman and the only way I could do that was to leave. Not only would it force me to be independent, it would be a huge change for my mom to rely on herself to do certain things because I am no longer around as a crutch. Norcal is a healthy distance from my family. Secondly, I knew I wanted to move up here by September and it's crazy cause I got an offer for a job on August 27th and I had to move up by September 1st! And then God kicked off my time in norcal with a retreat where I was able to meet Him and me refreshed by Him! 

Even though running this race is difficult, I know that it's worth it and necessary. I just need to focus on the greater eternal glory that it waiting ahead. Jesus fixed his eyes upon the joy set before him, and it brings great hope to know that I am running towards Him!

I can't believe it's been so long since I've journaled/ blogged. I remember I used to write on Xanga like everyday, sometimes even twice a day. I've forgotten what a good reminder this is when I look back on all the ways God has been working in my life. Speaking of looking back, I recently heard "Too Much" by Spice Girls at Ralphs and it definitely brought back memories of when I thought I started the Spice Girls trend at school when I was in fourth grade. But I digress.

 

I've been having a lot of thoughts and feeling tons of emotions in the past couple of months. I think this is the first time where my faith has hit a "crisis". On top of dealing with some sin issues, I've been feeling very uncomfortable with the sudden change that has been happening at Kairos. Before the summer, Pastor Walter announced that he and his family were leaving for New Venture and Pastor Mark was starting to transition out of Kairos as well to plant a church up in Norcal (Northland perhaps?). When the news came, I had huge beef with God. I kept thinking about the fact that the reason I stuck with Kairos two years ago was because of the leadership of the pastors. Not just because of the worship (although it was good) or the messages (great!) because any church can have good worship and sermons, but I saw myself submitting to the Pastor Mark, Pastor Walter and now Pastor Jason. In the past couple of years as I got more plugged into the church, I realized that these weren't just professional relationships, but they have turned into lifelong friendships. I never thought that Kairos would change in such a quick manner, after only been functioning for four years, but alas, God has different plans.

It was Pastor Peter's first time speaking at Kairos this past Sunday. For me, this was the first sign of Kairos moving forward into a new season of the church's life. Part of me was very resistant but also part me of really wanted to hear what he had to say. He opened with a greeting and a summary of the changes that would be happening this upcoming year. He then followed with his message. Oh my goodness, this message was exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe it was just the fact that Pastor Peter was trying to get the "new beginnings" message across but I truly believe that God wanted me to hear this.

He spoke on Joshua 1. I've read the passage before about Moses' death and how Joshua was to become the new leader and to lead the Israelites into the promise land. But Pastor Peter got one point across that I never saw before. You'd think that God would be sensitive or compassionate or even encouraging when He greeted Joshua, maybe give him a couple words of wisdom and affirmation (maybe cause that's what I would do). But that doesn't happen. He simply declares to Joshua, "Moses is dead". What the heck God? Not even a "Hello. How are you holding up on your mentor's death?". Very compassionate God. But honestly, God knew that, that was all Joshua needed to hear and in His own way, it was an affirmation and declaration over Joshua. The past is the past. Yes, Moses did great things but even greater things are yet to come. Moses is dead and that's the reality of it. Kairos is changing and that's the reality of it. Blunt, forward and real. But God didn't just leave it at that. There was a new (or even continued) commissioning for Joshua. He is now leader and he needs to deal with that fact. 

I related a lot to this message because for the past couple of months, I wanted to dwell in the past and I wanted to deny these changes happening in the church. I wanted to relive "Moses' days". But God broke through my stubbornness and I know that greater things are yet to come. I am so excited for the upcoming year and whatever role I need to play at Kairos, I know God's going to use it and bring Kairos to where He wants it to be. So bring it on.

Last time I blogged, I admitted that I was feeling complacent and apathetic about my faith. But this past Sunday's sermon was absolutely amazing and it reminded me of why I fell in love with Kairos in the first place. I remember that whenever I was feeling confused or questioning something about God, I would go to Kairos on Sundays and the topic would totally and completely relate to what I was going through. It revealed so much truth about how God hears my heart and He hears and knows my cries and knows exactly how to respond to them. It felt like those messages were a gift directly from God and He was letting me know that He was listening :) I haven't felt like I "related" to a message in such a long time and this past Sunday, Pastor Walter said exactly what I needed to hear.

One Thing - Charlie Hall (from Psalm 27)
Single-minded, Whole-hearted
One thing I ask

That I may gaze upon your beauty oh Lord
That I may seek your Holy face
That I may know you in an intimate way
And follow after You all of my days

All of life comes down to just one thing
and that's to know You, oh Jesus
and to make You known

Sigh. We sand this on Sunday and I almost frigging cried. Especially the intimacy part because lately I've been feeling so far from God and have forgotten what that intimacy feels like. But this is all I want - to know God in an intimate way.

When I'm in Eastlake, one of my favorite things to do is run the lake down the street around sunset because it's nice and cool and I get to enjoy the amazing view. Normally, I run once around the lake and that's enough for me to go home happy. But on Tuesday, my heart was so heavy that I couldn't even concentrate on running. So after a first lap, I walked an extra two laps just to reflect and hear God for the first time in a while. One question that really hit me during that time was "Are you satisfied?" and I felt like God was asking me if I thought He was enough. On Sunday, we also sang "Not Be Shaken" and one of the lines is "Those who love the Lord are satisfied" and that line hit me like a school bus. Last year, Jen Chiu was leading worship and shared how sometimes, she felt the need to be physically loved and she was asking herself, "Why is God's love not enough?". And I felt exactly the same way. I've been feeling empty and distracted by all these other things that I think would satisfy me, especially a physical satisfaction. I forgot what it means to love God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength and how satisfying it was during those times when I was so in love with God.

Recently, I've also been feeling like my relationship with boyfriend has been kind of off and that we've been kind of bleh since we haven't seen each other in a month. I know a lot of it has something to do with my relationship with God. I used to wonder and ask God if I were in the right relationship and if Aaron and I were supposed to be together after we had a tense conversation or an argument of some sort. More recently, that thought has crossed my mind and although its not a bad question to ask, I felt like that kind of question is too much of an all or nothing question. After reflecting on it and asking God is that's even the right question to ask, I felt like God was telling me, in the most loving way and most unoffensive way, that I was not perfect and that Aaron's not perfect either therefore our relationship cannot be perfect and that I need to let go of this "If we were supposed to be together, then this would happen" overarching statements. Instead, God was asking me if I were willing to fight for this relationship and if I were willing to endure the hardships of an imperfect relationship and to eventually overcome it with His strength. In the same way, I feel like this dry season isn't about questioning whether God and I are meant to be together or whether I love God or not, but God was really asking me if I were willing to fight for Him and sometimes with Him to be drawn closer, because He's definitely fighting for me.