Monday, 23 March 2009
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Daughter of the Lord Most High
This took me three weeks to write:
I started writing this entry during spring break and it has taken me three weeks to finally finish and get to this. So, basically pre- spring vaca, I was feeling super lame cause I felt like my relationship with God had become about the do's and don'ts. It was easier to please the Father through my acts of service than to sit in the presence of God in quiet adoration. Even though my prayer life was improving (it was becoming easier for me to share my heart with Him in a more disciplined manner) and even though Bible reading was more consistent (thanks to my amazing women's groups for keeping me accountable), I felt less intimate with God. My views on this relationship had shifted from a passionate affection to aloof detachment even though the discipline was there. That really shook me because I had previously believed that acts of worship could only draw me closer, not further from Him. But I realized that it wasn't adulation, praises or worship that I was missing. I still loved God and I still worshipped Him and even though I was praying more (which is something that God was really... REALLY challenging me on since the summer), the content of my prayer was all about service and provision for ministry and ... stuff. What I love about Kairos is that the church saturates all of its ministry with prayer. They're constantly praying for God to move and for Him to be present during our events and ministry time. I loved that Pastor Walter always reminded us to pray for events and gave us a list of topics to pray over for the church. But that's what my source of prayer was, a servant's heart for God's kingdom. And although that's not a bad thing, that's not the ONLY thing. It was easier for me to pray for other things like the church, for people for item 1, item 2 and item 3. But I stopped devoting my prayers to be ABOUT Him and to even just praise God for who He is. I still worshipped Him because of who He is but I had forgotten about praising Him just for the mere fact that He loved me because I was His. I saw my relationship with God as a master-servant relationship, but not a Father-daughter relationship. I think I focused so much on the works that I forgot about the Who. Ok, seriously, God is so worthy to be praised not only for the way He moves in our lives but also for the love that He FIRST gave to us. Just a reminder that God loves you, and that's NOT a cliche.
We love Him because He first loved us - 1 John 4:19
:)
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