Friday, 03 July 2009

• Attacked

  I’m struggling a lot in Walnut. In the past summers when I’ve been home, it felt more like Satan was attacking me through a dry spiritual life here at home. But lately, it seems more like he’s using my environment to wreak havoc into my life, especially using my family against me. Every time I come home, I feel like I have to spiritually prepare myself because I know this is where I’m most vulnerable, being away from the comfortable Christian bubble in San Diego that I’ve made for myself. Its so easy to seek God in San Diego because I’m constantly surrounded by Christ loving friends and church. But when I get home, the nearest Christian is outside of a five mile radius. Living with my nonbelieving family, especially my parents, and especially my mom, is so hard. Actually, “so hard” is an understatement. Its so hard to try to honor my parents when our passions and values are so different. All they care about is financial stability (like doing anything to be successful in life or marrying doctors) and reciprocity (they take care of me now and I take care of them later). Not that those things are bad in themselves, but they have been the fuel that sparked many fights.

  My mom has mood swings. She has moments where everything is good and she’s calm and talking peacefully with us. But, once something ignites her bad side, she goes on a temper rampage. Yesterday, she cut her hand and today, her foot started swelling up. Needless to say, she was already in a bad mood. I guess the way she relieves all her pent up angry energy is to take it out on my siblings and I. She’ll talk about her pain and then out of nowhere, start nagging about my brother slacking off in school, or yell at my sister for being so shy. Or her favorite subject, me and how I spend too much time at church. I feel like whenever we talk, it’s not even talking. Just her nagging at me or complaining/ gossiping about something. Most of the times, I just sit and listen to her complain and let her release her anger, but sometimes, she does push a button.  I just end up getting really hurt because she’ll start saying all these things that I’m doing wrong or tell me to leave and go back to SD or that she doesn’t want me around. Even though I know she’s saying it out of her rage, hearing it still hurts. The only reason I can think of her saying those things is for the sole reason of hurting me.

  It seems like her favorite target in the blame game, is the church. Evertime I screw up somehow, the blame goes to the church like “What are they teaching you at church? So YOU’RE the type of person who goes to church?” It’s so difficult to express Christ’s love to my mom when she doesn’t praise God or the church for my “acts of kindness” but readily blames the church when I’m at fault.

  But in a sense she’s right.  I am the type of person to go to church – not because I’m holy and blameless, but because I’m sinful and flawed. Maybe that’s what I need to show her. That church isn’t a place where the holiest and most righteous people gather. But it’s a gathering of all sinners and all broken people to be covered by the deep grace and forgiveness of God.

  I’ve been praying so much for my family, especially my parents, that they would come to know the Lord and that they would be surrounded by people who are willing to love on them and invest in them. It seems like God has provided the latter because I always hear about how my mom knows someone who goes to church who does something good and blah blah. So hopefully, God is really turning her heart to Him! Sigh. I'm not settling for anything less than my entire family rejoicing and praising God together.

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