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Thursday, 13 August 2009

One Thing

Last time I blogged, I admitted that I was feeling complacent and apathetic about my faith. But this past Sunday's sermon was absolutely amazing and it reminded me of why I fell in love with Kairos in the first place. I remember that whenever I was feeling confused or questioning something about God, I would go to Kairos on Sundays and the topic would totally and completely relate to what I was going through. It revealed so much truth about how God hears my heart and He hears and knows my cries and knows exactly how to respond to them. It felt like those messages were a gift directly from God and He was letting me know that He was listening :) I haven't felt like I "related" to a message in such a long time and this past Sunday, Pastor Walter said exactly what I needed to hear.

One Thing - Charlie Hall (from Psalm 27)
Single-minded, Whole-hearted
One thing I ask

That I may gaze upon your beauty oh Lord
That I may seek your Holy face
That I may know you in an intimate way
And follow after You all of my days

All of life comes down to just one thing
and that's to know You, oh Jesus
and to make You known

Sigh. We sand this on Sunday and I almost frigging cried. Especially the intimacy part because lately I've been feeling so far from God and have forgotten what that intimacy feels like. But this is all I want - to know God in an intimate way.

When I'm in Eastlake, one of my favorite things to do is run the lake down the street around sunset because it's nice and cool and I get to enjoy the amazing view. Normally, I run once around the lake and that's enough for me to go home happy. But on Tuesday, my heart was so heavy that I couldn't even concentrate on running. So after a first lap, I walked an extra two laps just to reflect and hear God for the first time in a while. One question that really hit me during that time was "Are you satisfied?" and I felt like God was asking me if I thought He was enough. On Sunday, we also sang "Not Be Shaken" and one of the lines is "Those who love the Lord are satisfied" and that line hit me like a school bus. Last year, Jen Chiu was leading worship and shared how sometimes, she felt the need to be physically loved and she was asking herself, "Why is God's love not enough?". And I felt exactly the same way. I've been feeling empty and distracted by all these other things that I think would satisfy me, especially a physical satisfaction. I forgot what it means to love God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength and how satisfying it was during those times when I was so in love with God.

Recently, I've also been feeling like my relationship with boyfriend has been kind of off and that we've been kind of bleh since we haven't seen each other in a month. I know a lot of it has something to do with my relationship with God. I used to wonder and ask God if I were in the right relationship and if Aaron and I were supposed to be together after we had a tense conversation or an argument of some sort. More recently, that thought has crossed my mind and although its not a bad question to ask, I felt like that kind of question is too much of an all or nothing question. After reflecting on it and asking God is that's even the right question to ask, I felt like God was telling me, in the most loving way and most unoffensive way, that I was not perfect and that Aaron's not perfect either therefore our relationship cannot be perfect and that I need to let go of this "If we were supposed to be together, then this would happen" overarching statements. Instead, God was asking me if I were willing to fight for this relationship and if I were willing to endure the hardships of an imperfect relationship and to eventually overcome it with His strength. In the same way, I feel like this dry season isn't about questioning whether God and I are meant to be together or whether I love God or not, but God was really asking me if I were willing to fight for Him and sometimes with Him to be drawn closer, because He's definitely fighting for me.

Friday, 07 August 2009

Blah

I think that's the perfect way to sum up my life right now. I feel so apathetic and complacent, I hate it. Every part of my life feels like a failure and I don't find joy in anything anymore.

I've struggled so much these past couple of years to build a good relationship with my parents and to get them to accept me and my lifestyle. God has been so faithful in that but it was so much easier during the school year because I would only stay for a couple of days. Since I've moved back in, I feel like the life I'm trying to live has stopped. I feel like I've had to put school, my plans, my relationships on hold and that I can't just mix them together because my family expects me to be one way while I want to live another. Being at home is so emotionally draining because I want to honor and respect my parents, but how do I do that when we have completely different values and follow different principles. My parents want me to be happy, but they're idea of happiness is by having a stable and successful career and making lots of money. So I have to sit through and bear the multiple hour-long conversations about me putting everything else second, including God and church, and putting school first. It's tiring trying to find a balance between respecting my parents and what they have to say and living a life where I am both honoring God and my parents.

Lately I've been feeling really lonely. Part of it is definitely my fault and me not willing to go out and maintain relationships with people. And that has definitely changed my relationships with a lot of people. The transition from IV to Kairos has been really hard, even now at this point. I realized that there are a lot of friendships in IV I still want to invest in but sometimes, I feel like that keeps me from investing in relationships at Kairos. It seems like right now, I have all the friends that I ever want and need and making more is not necessary. But at the same time, I do want to have that type of fellowship at Kairos as well. Looking back at freshman year, it was so easy to start friendships and relationships with people because no close relationships have been established yet I was open to anything. But after sophomore year, I realized the difficulty in maintaining all of my friendships and wanting all to have that type of deep relationship with all of them. I just couldn't do it and honestly, it's not realistic at all. Right now, I've found the relationships whom I am willing to spend the rest of my life investing in. I just have to be ok with the idea of not being able to be best friends with everyone I know and learning how to have casual but intimate relationships with my friends. Jesus loved everyone but He invested in His twelve and even in that, invested in His three. But it doesn't mean that Jesus loved everyone else less.

The root of all this suck feeling is definitely a reflection of my relationship with God right now. I feel like I can still say that I love God and trust in Him but that's different from actually feeling that deep intimacy with Him. That feeling of not just knowing that you love God, but knowing that He really is madly, desperately and hopelessly in love with you too. I don't feel like the same person anymore. It sucks. A;as;alkd;'asl I want that. I want to sit at His feet. I want to feel his heartbeat. I want to feel that love again.

Thursday, 06 August 2009

How beautiful is Your unfailing love

I haven't reflected in a while. I need to do that more often - to reflect on God's heart, His plans and His movement in my life. Realizations from this past year.

1. Before I am a servant, first and foremost He calls me His beloved daughter.
2. All good things in me and around me are God given and He calls me to be a steward of His amazing blessings - including relationships, possessions, and my life.
3. We are made in His good and perfect image and that should reflect in the way we live our lives.
4. We were created to worship Him and to bring Him praise.
5. Living in victory is easier said than done. But I need to always remember that the war is won, that we have victory in Christ despite feeling like a loser sometimes.
6. Surrendering is not a one time deal. We have to constantly surrender our hearts to Him because we're not perfect and cannot fully give ourselves.
7. We are drowning in God's grace. His mercies are new everyday.
8. Romans 8:28 - God works in the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose.
9. He longs to lavish His love and blessings over us.
10. We can trust that we have the Holy Spirit in us that help us live lives that will glorify Him.

Thursday, 30 July 2009

Building the Girlfriend Resume

I didn't realize that being a girlfriend is a learned position. In the beginning, it seemed so easy - just let the guy do what nature has selected him to do, like a male beta fish or a peacock. Lately, I've been learning the difference between being angry and being disappointed. I remember whenever a situation came up where it didn't go the way I expected it to, my initial reaction would be to get angry, and then to place blame on poor boyfriend. But after a while, I realized it wasn't boyfriend I was angry with or even anger that I felt, but it was disappointment in the situation. That helped me to place blame where it belong and to redirect it from where it didn't belong. Even that was something I had to learn.
More recently, God's been teaching me what it means to be supportive and to what sacrifice really means. I understood sacrifice as not watching the Law and Order: SVU marathon when I had to study for a final or taking time valuable study time out the day before my final to help my siblings enroll in their new school. However, the common theme is that those sacrifices had such small stakes. When I think about God, its even harder now for me to imagine the type of sacrifice He had to make and what was at stake.
In the beginning of summer, boyfriend and I were a little worried about the three months of summer we would have to endure long distance. But I think what kept me sane was being able to talk to him everyday and to share life together, even if its not physically together. I make sure to keep at least 11 PM - 12 AM open to talk to him. So today, I made sure to do all of my studying and to finish before 11 so that I can enjoy a conversation I look forward to everyday. But our conversation only lasted 15 minutes because even though I have the freedom to plan enough time to talk, he doesn't have the same luxury because of his super intense, super packed schedule. I was obviously a little disappointed after our convo ended at 11:05 PM because poor boyfriend had to do work :/ But I was even more disappointed in myself and how I handled him telling me that he couldn't talk. For some reason, I thought that because I had planned my study schedule this whole day around this one hour conversation, that this should take precedence and that he should realize the sacrifice that I made. Wow, I'm selfish. I was so butthurt at the end of the convo when he said he wanted to work that I couldn't even respond when he was explaining to me about his suck day. I was so caught up in my self centeredness and still so disappointed in the situation that I couldn't even encourage him or support him or even understand the situation that he's in. Finally, I experienced a sacrifice that directly affected me - and this was like a tiny snapshot of the whole album. I have some growing to do.

Wednesday, 08 July 2009

Starbucks Beat Me To It

I admit, I never thought that ordering a single mocha from Art of Espresso would have tremendous impact on the earth. I used to love displaying my all white plastic coffee cup with a sleeve as I carried it to class because it was differentiable from the common and everyday Starbucks logo branded on the cups of every other passing student. Mine was unique and I was a nonconformist!
As I became a more frequent coffee drinker, I began bringing my own reusable coffee cup (my tumbler). If you've ever gone to a small/ independently owned coffee shop or coffee cart, you know that generous discounts are given to customers who provide their own non-disposable drinkware to persuade consumers to be more eco-friendly and for the business owners to cut down on the cost of purchasing material.
On occasion, I would not bring my tumbler for the sake of convenience and thought little or none about my coffee. After all like most consumers, I was only focused on enjoying myself. Little did I know, that my cup of coffee actually allied with the eco-nemesis side of the battle for a greener earth and since I buy some kind of coffee drink everyday, going through the frequent buyer Espresso Passes like they're kleenex, I was helping pollution win this war. I finally read on Sustainability is Sexy.com that coffee cups actually contribute to greenhouse gases and forest degradation (aka, cutting down trees to make cups) and are nonrecyclable contributing to an accumulation of waste.
UCSD Students: Art of Espresso, Perks Coffee and Sierra Summit (Muir Commons) gives discounts when you bring your own tumbler! Last summer, I took a huge advantage of that fact. I would get a coffee everyday before I went to OChem (you must understand why) and bring my tumbler with me to reap from the benefits. Except, tumblers are actually designed for hot drinks but since this was the summer time, getting a hot drink in the afternoon in 80 degree weather seemed kind of stupid. So being the genius that I am, I would get blended drinks in my tumbler. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but I just thought it would be more aesthetically pleasing and feel more normal if I had a reusable cup for cold drinks instead of a tumbler. So I thought about creating a reusable tumbler for iced drinks, one that looks like the clear plastic cups that iced drinks come in. However, none of this planning was for the benefit of the environment, just for the benefits of my own selfish desires. So I was on a mission to find this specialized tumbler for my iced/ blended coffee drinks!
Fastforward a year later, two weeks ago, I was on my way to my dad's office and I stopped by Starbucks (I conformed) to get a drink and while I was waiting, I was looking at coffee cups on the sales racks (I love kitchenware). I look at the cups, their new metal water bottles (which I bought) and their tumbler section. And behind the tumblers, my eye catches a clear plastic tumbler with a screw on cap and a built in straw that looks EXACTLY like a Starbucks cup for cold drinks! My initial reaction was extreme excitement after a year of searching, that I have discovered the mother of all cups by chance. My second reaction was extreme bitterness that Starbucks totally stole my idea!
Here it is:

The mother of all Cups
So this entry is totally not going where I wanted it to go. Basically, my goal was to write an entry/ review on the new Starbucks insulated tumbler specialized for cold drinks but I just thought that I would throw in a little 411 for the environment. After all, one of God's commands to Adam was for him to take care of the land that God loves and created for us to enjoy.
This is semi relevant but I thought I should make a break just to show that its not completely relevant.
Kairos is asking the congregation to fast and to pray for our missions teams this summer. My vice is definitely buying drinks like Starbucks and Tap Ex. I have a horrible, horrible, uncontrollable disease that causes me to compulsively and impulsively purchase coffee drinks whenever I pass by a coffee shop. So this summer, I am fasting from purchasing any type of drinks that is prepared (mostly coffee and boba because those are my favorite). So I was so bummed that after I bought my tumbler, I went on this fast because I wouldn't get to use it when I go to Starbucks because I CAN'T GO TO STARBUCKS. So, my second option was to make my own iced coffee drink. I have to say, it turned out pretty good.
4 tbsp coffee grounds
1.5 cups of water (for coffee machine) [Minna thinks its weird that when I handwrite down ingredients for a recipe, I use H2O instead of water...really?]
1 tsp sugar
3/4 cups of milk
Coffeemate french vanilla creamer (to your own liking)
ice
New Starbucks Coffee Tumbler for iced drinks!
Make the coffee using coffee machine instructions. Add sugar into hot coffee and stir to dissolve. Add ice and milk into tumbler. Slowly pour in coffee-sugar mix. Add vanilla creamer. TADA! Simple pimple. Easy squeezy. Saves you $4 for a grande iced latte (Sigh. I miss those).
This is absolutely random. But I like Taylor Swift. :)
Oh and I like Aaron Yu too. :)
Random:
Molecular Bio is totally getting to me. When I was gchatting with Joanne yesterday, I wanted to write "jeans" but I wrote "genes" instead